No Nny Sez..

i’ve been contemplating a huge high risk confession but i ended up putting it into a halt. maybe i should let that GO sign then i’ll give it a go. i am born a straight forward person (i prefer that term than ‘blunt’..it sounded too ‘evil’..) and i tend to say what i feel, especially when it meant the most to me. well, half the time i kept things to myself but only when i think its for the best. but this time, this particular issue is a nothing-to-lose situation (you never lose what you never had right?) so i’d rather let it go off my chest (or my heart so to speak) rather than having it bottled up inside and go crazy when it bursts out eventually and there’s nothing i can do about it but get wrecked for days.weeks.even months maybe. well, okay the occasional tears-shedding moments are becoming more often these coupla weeks (darn this heart of mine..seldom ache for someone else but when it does, darn it sure aches like..well u know like what..) and that is one of the reason that i decided to pour it out. t’ll b easier to move on with life after that. and NO..no public confessions in the plan whatsoever..this one is strictly for ONE person only..

ne’er mind..

i dont know why but as i lie down, trying to tolerate my blurry vision, staring blankly at the off white ceiling, i missed my childhood badly.it’s kinda weird coz i think this is the first time it ever happened. i do think about my childhood sometimes but nothing to this extent.ever. like an old silent movie (with colours though) i could see vividly the years i spent when i was growing up. there’s nothing much to do where i grow up (we cant even receive TV3 transmissions because of the hills surrounding us (i remembered how ayah got persuaded to try using one of those ‘kuali’ covers as ’satelite disc’ believed by many to help receive TV3 signals..well, it didnt worked for us, coz all what we had on our 14 inch National TV were ‘BNW ants scurrying here and there’ that gives you the sudden urge to say "Houston, we have a problem" HAHAHA but for others it might coz 1) i remember seeing those ‘discs’ attached to TV aerials that looked like fish bones tied to the longest pole you could ever imagine made of metal, wood or bamboo depending on the available resources and they happened to stay there for quite some time (or was it maybe they were too lazy to put it down??), and 2) i had some friends at schools telling me about those shows available only on TV3 (not a problem anyway..apart from sesame streets, cartoons n fairytales dramas on weekends school holidays, Oprah( was and still a big fan),TV Pendidikan,certain luckier days of HK drama at 6pm,hiburan minggu ini (HMI) and teater p ramlee,TV was a rare thing for me back then)..nowadays, even an old shabby shack can be seen with the AS*RO disc; where’s the thrill in that?HAHAHA…

but, needless to say, i found solace in books (had an extensive records of books read at a very early age..maybe thats why i go dizzy if i dont read for a day ..i read the complete set of anne of green gables when i was barely 10..enid’s an all those mystery and fantasy books..my first trip to the public library when i was 7 with ibu and my brother (then 4) was one of the finest moment in life, i dont think a trip to paris would even top it.hehe.i remembered borrowing two books. cant recall what was the story book but i remembered borrowing an encyclopaedia for kids on grasshoppers. why i choose that i cant exactly remember but i remember the cover very much; it was white with the the greenest grasshopper you could ever imagine, the image sprawled as large as it can on the entire cover with its big potruded eyes staring at you (well, at me la at that time)..i was hooked! i mean with the library and the books inside, not the grasshopper la HAHAHA..trip was less frequent after that coz ibu started getting busy with her KDC (kursus dalam cuti) and wouldnt be home for weeks to be at maktab gaya every school holidays (but thats another story ^_^) and ayah wont have time to send us to the library since he needs to be both mum n dad to us 3..i became a pemanent resident of my school’s library and NILAM (do we still have this in schools now?) was as fun as going to disneyland HAHAHA books weren’t much of good choices there but it managed to feed my hunger for words..maybe if i ever become a multi millionaire one day (or marry one HAHAHA) i’d build a bigger library for my old hometown..just to share the wonderful experience i had with books when i was younger to the young ones there..insya Allah..

and then there were the trees and the extra big lawn surrounding the house (we have dozens of the best rambutan trees in the world, at least that was what i had in mind back then)..its fun to sit under the trees (when ayah allowed us to; he doesnt like the sight of our skin being bitten by nyamuks ^_^ and always chased us with cane when we try to do kung fu cum acrobat moves on the trees HAHA)..my favourite was the tree near to a creek (yes, we have one just outside our fence hehe..) coz i could throw the kulit rambutan to the creek and watch them being washed away.it tested my aiming skills u know, good for a netball player hehehe.(any missed aims that ended a few inches away from the creek will end up with me having sessions with one of many ayah’s rotan HAHA..i am much later in life suspecting of my ayah with a minor OCD-whch he seems to passed to me as well HAHAHAH- coz the sight of those rambutan peelings would boil his blood freakiing hot..get this; he checks our lawn for ‘uninvited’ pebbles and stones from time to time and would discreetly made sure he puts them away.to where pebbles and stones belongs. he always warns us (especially me) that if he went out of town for a few hours and comes back with those stones and pebbles on the green green grass, that meant we’d been playing outside which was complete NO-NO when no parents are at home..my younger brother told me ayah arranged those pebbles in a certain way that he can tell if someone moved them!! i didnt believe him until one day i remember ayah saying "ayah sudah TANDA tu batu2 di bawah..kalau ada yang berubah, tau lah siapa punya kerja" before went out to pck up IBU .i still laugh now n then when i think about it..our house was a ‘rumah tiang tinggi (gosh what do we call that type of houses ya..?? HAHAHA) so the space (we call it bawah kolong..what do you people call it?the name’s funny huh?hehehe) under it was sand and stones. we went to play anyway but was careful not to mess with the ‘batu2 yang sudah di TANDA’ and to cover whatever trails we made on the sand. please, dont get ayah wrong.yes he sounds garang an he was rather strict and stern and in fact rather military-ish to his kids but i am grateful for it coz he built such character in all three of us that prepares us for the challenges in life.the real world not just mere lives in elementary or 2ndary schools.from time to time, i said my prayers and silently thanked ayah for not pampering and spoiling us.. we joked about the pebbles and other quirky rules he made back then..at least now, we dont have to be afraid mentioning it;no more rotans HAHA.. (and yes, ayah is still particular about arrangements,symetrical,balance and yg sewaktu dgnnya..WAAAYYYY to particular..)

End-of-month Tamu Besar we call it back then ^_^ ..i’m rather lucky to live a walking distance to here the put up tents for the monthly event (if u ever head for Poring Hot Spring, checkout a single house (last i saw it was painted in blue) right after the Pejabat Penerangan Ranau, right side of the road before the bridge to the tapak Tamu Besar~that house is the vault of my childhood ^_^)..i used to pretend i am in one of enid blyton’s playing one fo the character visiting the carnival each time ibu brought us to go to the market..big colourful tents, a lot of normal and not so normal things u could see..gosh i wonder if the feelings is stil the same if i ever go there again..my favourite part of this end of month thing is that, since our house is the nearest to the Tamu among all my uncles’ and aunts’, we will have an impromptu gathering where everyone would always stop by to our house after the trip to the ‘carnival’ and almost always, nice foods would greet you at the verandah..nice apam balik (orang sabah panggil kuih terang bulan hehe), roasted chicken wings (SAYAP!!woohoo), pisang goreng (or is goreng pisang..??HAHA) and fruits..our front lawn is almost the size of a badminton court so we pretend it to be and have tournaments every end of months.well, bobby my 2-years-older cousin always wins (coz he must win HAHAHA) and i am always second..coz i pretty much is the tuan rumah HAHAHA.. the rest would settle for bronze or L on their foreheads HAHAHAHA (mind u, we made our medals with 1 ringgit, 50 cents and 20 cents stick in the middle of the paper medals..something like a piala pusingan lah, hahahaha) when all were tired, we’d race one final run to the stairs for cold drinks and stuffed our mouths with mouth watering foods on the table..while parents mingled and talked, we would play games (most are imaginary games)..until everyone’s tired and would ‘camped’ on the floor, lying next to the table fan..always have been us three and my two cousins, bobby (now 28;hope you’ll get well soon bro) and ardhy (25 and soon tying the knot;attago bro!..we call him anjang coz he looked too ‘panjang’ for a baby so abah called him that).

~~i cried when i think about all these and i cried some more now while writing this..maybe i am so darn frustrated with what my heart is tackling right now that my ‘wiser’ mind is making me wish i am back at that old house of ours, back to the peace and calmness and less worries it gives me back then. maybe i should take some time off and go back. it’s been a while. i wont be able to sit under the trees i used to coz someone else is already living in the house but maybe i could stop by and park at the side and watch the house and reminisce. i heard from ibu that the people living there might cut down(if only i can have a painting of that house the way it is) all the trees. they even repainted the house. the old barn at the back where i used to chase our ducks home wasnt there anymore. but it’s ok. sometimes changes are for good reasons as long some part of it stays the way they are. same with us humans right? maybe i should go and visit the house on my birthday~a month from today ^_^. go to the library maybe.yeah, i should do that.

‘nways…

maybe i should stop before i start sounding like a complete silly.. AJA!

kure ku na..

^_^ no nny ATIKA ^_^